Behavior everything of love and the joy is my ceremony.
20 most recent entries

When:Monday March 31 4:02 P
Classified as:Public

Good lord - I started this thing ten years ago. I was already working in this job, living in my current house, and eight years clean - so much the same and yet it feels like a lifetime has passed.

I do most of my writing at Tumblr now - same username - but it's much more chatty than any kind of rumination. I think I may be over rumination. Mostly I'm just trying to be.

1 Thought | Thoughts?

When:Monday March 31 3:54 P
Classified as:Public

The lights are still on, but the place looks different. Anyone here?

2 Thoughts | Thoughts?

When:Saturday July 28 2:11 P
What:I just listened to the most amazing story on This American Life
Classified as:Public

It’s about a young, unhappy teenager who ran away to Piers Anthony’s house. Setting aside how amazing it is to listen to the narrator describe fanning in a time before the internet, it’s even more incredible to hear this man describe how he determined where Piers lived, flew across several states, and faced sentry dogs at the gate of the “oracle” to learn that, if he just kept his head down, he would soon be able to make his life a safer and more comfortable place.

Part of the story is an interview with Piers Anthony, who relates a little of his own deeply unhappy high school experience. In the author’s notes that end one of his books, he tries to explain to people who didn’t survive troubled childhoods that survival skills are not something some people can just “let go of” or “relax”. I felt like Piers was describing so many of the people I’ve found in so many places and befriended and loved in my life.

How different will it be for kids from now on who have access to the world wide web and only have to log on to find someone, somewhere, who is going through and feels the same things they do? Who can google and find blog after LifeJournal after Tumblr written by those of us who have lived our own versions of the hero’s quest for the places we’ve never been and yet feel homesick for.

Those of us who grew up to understand how fortunate we really are, how strong we can be, and how important it is to pass this message - by every available means of communicating - to others who need it.

(shadesong, I hope you will forgive my borrowing of your tag-line for Shayara. Did I ever tell you that that line - "Have you ever been homesick for a place you've never been?" - is what drew me in to your stories [both fiction and RL]?)


When:Wednesday January 4 5:52 P
What:A voice from the past...
Classified as:Public

I'm trying to figure out how the LJ app for iPod works; if you see anything weird from me, it's probably just me trying to figure the darn thing out. Help is appreciated.

2 Thoughts | Thoughts?

When:Saturday January 1 9:22 P
What:What I read in 2010
Classified as:Public
FeelingHearing: bookish

(What I can remember of it, anyway...)

Then We Came to the End, Joshua Ferris
Everything is Illuminated, Jonathan Safran Foer
Nightmare Alley, William Lindsey Gresham
Too Much Happiness, Alice Munro
After Dark, Haruki Murakami
The Broom of the System, David Foster Wallace
Infinite Jest (really!), David Foster Wallace

1 Thought | Thoughts?

When:Friday July 9 10:38 P
What:The 90s
Classified as:Public
FeelingHearing: complicated

VH-1 is rerunning their "Top 100 Songs of the 90s" - hey, cool, the 90s are pretty much when I lost touch with music, right? I mean, the 80s really lasted a couple of extra years and I was clean by the end of the 90s but the middle there - that was my cloudy time. They return from commercial and start with "Sabotage". Okay, I was sort of aware of that one, I guess. From that to "Enter Sandman" - oh! Dino! The record store! I'm still a rock & roll girlfriend! - to "Say My Name" - wait. I didn't get hip hop until I got clean and started going to dances. Vanessa really introduced me to it; I certainly wasn't listening to "Nothin' But a G Thang" in '93.

Oh, god. "Vision of Love"? Was I really still dating Sean in the 90s? I remember him bragging to someone at the bar how well I could sing it (we were all a little inebriated at the time). "Nothing Compares 2 U"? The cabin, standing on the couch, singing at Evan. The debut of Britney Spears? Donnie. I remember asking him why he knew so much new pop when he was my age. I thought I lost track of music, yet every song brings back memories. And I still remember how close to the bottom I was when we were listening to "No Excuses" and "Black Hole Sun".

When the 90s started, I was still in college. A baby. At the end of the decade I'd already changed my clean date and had almost five years clean. From graduation to Europe to the blurry slide down to the kicking and clawing climb back up...I guess it makes sense that my brain can't pull up the memories of the music. They're all still lodged in my gut.


When:Thursday July 8 9:09 P
What:OMG I haven't seen an LJ page in so long!
Classified as:Public
FeelingHearing: chipper

The nutshell version is they blocked LJ at work and, despite my being higher on the food chain, the cat gives me hell when I'm on the computer too long at home. (Dear Santa, one laptop, please?) All is much the same with me - I really want to catch up with all you guys. Special thanks to Sam, who keeps sending messages to see if I'm alive.

4 Thoughts | Thoughts?

When:Friday January 1 11:58 A
What:2009 books
Classified as:Public
FeelingHearing: bookish


Griffin & Sabine: An Extraordinary Correspondence, Nick Bantock
Sabine's Notebook: In Which the Extraordinary Correspondence of Griffin & Sabine Continues, Nick Bantock
The Golden Mean: In Which the Extraordinary Correspondence of Griffin & Sabine Concludes, Nick Bantock
3 Willows: The Sisterhood Grows, Ann Brashares
Kushiel's Mercy, Jacqueline Carey
The Glass Books of the Dream Eaters, Gordon Dahlquist
Moonheart, Charles de Lint
The Brief Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao, Junot Diaz
Geek Love, Katherine Dunn
Stardust, Neil Gaiman
American Gods, Neil Gaiman
The Worth of a Shell, MCA Hogarth
The Private Memoirs and Confessions of a Justified Sinner, James Hogg
A Thousand Splendid Suns, Khaled Hosseini
Black Swan Green, David Mitchell
Fool, Christopher Moore
Kafka on the Shore, Haruki Murakami
The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle, Haruki Murakami
Netherland, Joseph O'Neill
The Bell Jar, Sylvia Plath
Good Omens, Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman
War and Peace, Leo Tolstoy
The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and Zombie Jim, Mark Twain and W Bill Czolgosz
Palimpsest, Catherynne Valente
Oblivion (short stories), David Foster Wallace
Revolutionary Road, Richard (as opposed to Robert) Yates


An Open Heart: Practicing Compassion in Everyday Life, The Dalai Lama
The Essential Rumi, Coleman Barks
Genius and Heroin, Michael Largo
On Becoming an Alchemist: A Guide for the Modern Magician, Catherine MacCoun
Spoon River Anthology, Edgar Lee Masters
Letters to a Young Poet, Rainer Maria Rilke

4/28 - Good grief, but I'm behind on this!
6/18 - I'd like to think that what I lack in quantity, I make up in quality. *rolls eyes*

2 Thoughts | Thoughts?

When:Thursday October 1 8:44 P
What:The horror!
Classified as:Public
FeelingHearing: frazzled

They've blocked LJ at work! When I'm already two weeks behind! So you've missed the completely unexpected drama at work with the guy who gave me the sexually explicit note three years ago. The nutshell version is: I finally admitted to myself and my superiors that I could not work effectively with him, I was immediately switched to another team (after I explained the reason) and moved to another desk (no longer sitting across from him YAY); unfortunately, they did have a meeting with him telling him he was not to contact me in any way so I am now holding my breath waiting for him to make some kind of retaliatory move.

Fun, huh?

Hope you're all well. I will try to find a couple spare hours to catch up over the weekend.

1 Thought | Thoughts?

When:Friday August 21 4:04 P
What:The surreal thing that happened Monday.
Classified as:Public
FeelingHearing: indescribable

Scene: Tal has had no good sleep Sunday night, having gotten an extremely confusing, terse, and cold couple of text messages from the guy. She dragged herself to work on Monday, but went home a couple of hours early to get some sleep. She sleeps a little too long, waking up just in time to put her hair in a ponytail, throw clothes on, and get to her meeting.

I'm sitting and waiting for the meeting to start, still a little groggy. Someone pulls my ponytail - it's V, with whom interactions have been a little strained lately, but I'm too bleary to go there now. I stand up to hug her, she says hi, and then sort of stops. "Paul Y. is dead."

I blink. "Paul? Paulie?" Which is what I call him, thank you, Sopranos. "How? When? What happened?" She isn't sure - over the weekend, some kind of sudden aneurysm, very fast, boom, gone. She's going to the funeral home after the chairperson, who is celebrating her second anniversary, shares.

I nod and she goes to say hi to other people. I feel my eyes start to well up - Paul and I weren't that close, but I'd known him since I got clean and we were baseball antagonists (he a Yankees fan). A couple of people asked if I was okay and I said I'd just heard about Paul. One guy asked for more details and said he'd come with us. While this was going on my cell rang - it was the guy. I told him what was up and tried to have a conversation with him while talking to someone else...confusion, frustration, wondering if it was too soon to joke about one less Yankee fan. I go in, sit down, and start that thing where you think you see someone you know can't be there out of the corner of your eye.

So once the celebrant is finished sharing, the four of us stand up (along with a few others going to smoke or get more coffee), go out to the parking lot, and caravan to the funeral home. V. thinks she knows where she's going. We get there, find parking on the streets of the neighborhood, and go inside.

I look towards the front of the room, and I see Paul. Talking to someone. No, it's not just someone who looks like him - it's the person I expected to never see again. I look at V. and try to speak. "Bu- Paul's righ- what?"

V. looks at me strangely. "Paul's father died."

I just stood there. "I thought you said Paul died."

"What are you - high?" And in that moment I felt like I was. I wasn't quite making contact with anything; neurons were firing but not aimed anywhere in particular. I stood there, dazed, as Paul worked his way back to us. I hugged him in turn and tried to fade into the wallpaper. Oh, god. How many people did I tell that Paul was dead? Oh, god.

V. made the rounds and came back. She looked at me and put her arm around me. "Poor Tal. I can't imagine what that must've felt like. You know I'd've been way more upset if it had been Paulie." Well, no, V., you aren't the most demonstrative person when it comes to your emotions, but I certainly wasn't feeling like I had any firm ground to stand on. I was embarrassed, I was relieved, I was confused.

So I stayed for an acceptable length of time - the guy who'd followed us had left as soon as he found out that Paul was, in fact, alive - and then walked out to my car, alone. There was a text message on my phone. The guy, saying how truly sorry he was for my loss. "Funny story..." I texted him back, knowing it would be funny eventually.

1 Thought | Thoughts?

When:Friday August 14 3:50 P
What:I really am reading!
Classified as:Public

I just haven't been posting here a lot. I've started a Tumblr, which is a great place for random thoughts and cool things you find and want to save, but tends to turn into a lot of insider stuff between you and the people you follow. And I started another blog intended to be more public than this one, but have pretty much let fall into silence.

But I am keeping up with you guys, even when I'm not posting here.


When:Tuesday August 4 3:34 P
What:So! Here's a little TMI...
Classified as:Public
FeelingHearing: concerned

I gave in to my GYN and started taking birth control pills two months ago to try to control my endometriosos. The insert with the pills said something about one's cycle being lighter; my first month the flow was lighter but it lasted a few days longer than usual.

So far this time there has been no sign of it. It should have started Sunday or yesterday, but nothing. Which is yay, and yet, hmmmmm.

So there's that.

2 Thoughts | Thoughts?

When:Friday July 31 2:11 P
What:The Order of the Phoenix
Classified as:Public
FeelingHearing: overwhelmed

Well, now that I've been outed, I may as well admit that I've been assimilated by the smelly side. That is, I had a chance to pick up some Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab imps (imps' ears; or those perfume sample vials you sometimes see attached to cards) at a reduced price (thanks, shadesong!) and honestly, I just wanted to see what all the fuss was about. Plus I knew the BPAL oils weren't all about typical perfume scents - you could smell like a library if you wanted to!

Now, my history with perfume is not...dense. I had the Love's Baby Soft, the Jontue, and the Obsession back in the day. A slightly older me somehow stumbled across Roma, which became my go to when I could find it. Eventually I stopped wearing fragrance altogether when I started waiting tables. Last holiday season I impulsively bought one of the Philosophy fragrances but almost never wear it.

As for fragrance, I do use incense and scented candles, but not constantly. So I was with caution that I dipped my toe in the BPAL pool. I went to the website - OMG, intimidating! - and read the scent descriptions, picking out some I thought I'd like based on notes I knew I liked from other places (I love the tobacco in Archipelago's Havana candle, frex).

So it began. My first six were Dee, Loviatar, Perversion, Santo Domingo, Umbra, and Whip. Of course, like a n00b, I put all six on at once (yes, in different spots) without noting which one was where! There was one real stand-out - either Dee or Santo Domingo.

Of course rosabel_believe was thrilled to enable encourage another BPAL fan and immediately put a care package in the mail (I think that's how it happened). Which is how I got All Night Long, Al-Shairan, Bien Loin D'ici, Black Phoenix, Dragon's Tears, Eos, Gomorrah, and Velvet. Mmmmm - I remember Velvet - it's basically chocolate and vanilla yumminess. I also know I liked the aquatic note in the Dragon's Tears (and remembered I also used to like Cool Water).

But then I realized I'd neglected the florals and citruses and other standard fare I do love and was caught up collecting! the precious! So I went back to 'Song's amazing sale eight more (including Versailles, which is another Archipelago candle I love). On top of which she threw in another three (and tea! And a lollipop!). And CnS put up her sale list and I got the latest LE Convergence imps.

AND yes, I have a spreadsheet.

Here's the thing - everything seems to just evaporate on my skin! I have a hard time teasing apart the different notes once I've put it on - that you guys can give completely different descriptions from the bottle through the application and the drying just stuns me. I know I'm not a bad smeller - see my Yankee candle collection - but maybe I'm not good with many different ingredients. None of the scents seems overly strong once I put them on (see me wave my wrist in front of my nose all day) and by lunchtime, I can hardly tell I've got anything on.

And somewhere in there I was pointed to the forum and started reading about the different storage and application methods and - ack. I don't think I'm there yet (although I do need to figure out how to make 29 imps more accessible...).

That's the beginning of my BPAL story. I do have a list of scents I'd like to try based on their descriptions, but ultimately, if I can't find a way to get the scent to last, I don't know how active in the community I'll be. But thanks, to those of you steered here by Sam, for the warm welcome.

(Oh yeah. Today's scent is B340.)

4 Thoughts | Thoughts?

When:Thursday July 2 9:17 A
What:Help? Need suggestions, if you've got 'em
Classified as:Public

I know some of you are familiar with addiction and recovery; maybe one of you has some experience you can share.

There’s a man here at work who has a step-daughter who is using. She lies, she cons money and scrips, etc. I’ve talked to her a couple of times but she lies to me and tells me she’s clean. I know I can’t help her if she lies to me about whether she’s using.

I just listened to a message from him from last night. “She’s in crisis” - she used her boyfriend’s credit card info to put an order in at a pharmacy, blah blah. I don’t know what he thinks I can do for him. He says he’s going to put her out and she needs a place to go - I say, “Okay. Put her out. Let her figure it out.” I don’t know anything about rehabs or halfway houses or detoxes - I did an out-patient program at a facility that no longer exists and he can Google just as easily as I can. I’ve asked a woman in the program for her suggestions; she hasn’t gotten back to me.

It feels like this has become my problem. I know that step-father went to the work guido guy and Guido came to me, because I’m a woman in recovery and I offered to talk to her. I’ve done that. I’ve suggested Ala/Naranon to the step-father; he says “Oh, we’ve done that.” Seriously, dude. I’m not a therapist or an addictions counselor. Why are you calling me at 10:00 at night to tell me there’s a problem? What do I do now?

3 Thoughts | Thoughts?

When:Friday June 26 5:05 P
What:Always home
Classified as:Public

Something shadesong said got me thinking (no surprise, that)...she describes herself as homesick for her life before chronic illness and the treatment thereof. I remember a few times when everything around me - even familiar things - seemed foreign; when I didn't feel comfortable in places I'd been thousands of times. But I can't say that I've ever not felt at home in myself. Certainly, there have been uncomfortable-in-my-skin times when I wasn't okay being me without changing myself in some way. But never homesick for any other version of me. I think that's what makes episodes of depression so frightening and regular changeable moods so powerful - everything feels like that's the way it's always been and always will be. Any memories I have of any other states seem like self-created exaggerations.

Hmmm. Oh, the thinks you can think.


When:Tuesday June 23 3:52 P
What:Crowdsource tarot reading
Classified as:Public

You asked: Is John sincerely courting me?

The Basis:
Connection, reversed
An anime catgirl and a space-suited seven-limbed alien are floating in a void, with stars and spiky spaceships in the background. They touch muzzles in a surprising moment of concord.
Meaning: Connections between very different kinds of people can be inherently limited. Accept and enjoy them for the valuable things they are, but do not require them to be everything.

The Situation:
A large black spider checks her web to find a tiny fairy caught in it.
Meaning: You have the ability to make things that are both beautiful and effective, though it takes most of your energy.

The Outcome:
A toddler gleefully sits in his mama's lap and squishes play dough between his fingers.
Meaning: Don't forget to satisfy your senses. Walk barefoot in the grass. Give hugs.

You may ask another question.

Reading from The Crowdsource Tarot.

If the Basis was any more on target, it would be a description of a bullseye.

1 Thought | Thoughts?

When:Friday May 15 1:17 P
What:In which Rob Brezsny nails it, again
Classified as:Public

I'm not necessarily saying you fell into a hole a while back, but if you did, the time is right to extricate yourself. Your strength is returning and help is in the neighborhood. Likewise, I'm not making an authoritative pronouncement that you did indeed cast a little curse on yourself during a careless moment. But if something like that did occur, you're entering an excellent phase to undo the mistake. You're awakening to how you went awry, and that's the first crucial step in correcting for the messy consequences.

Help? Yes, please.


When:Friday May 1 1:22 P
What:Five years?
Classified as:Public
FeelingHearing: shocked

I've been maintaining this journal (to some degree) for over five years? Inconceivable.

3 Thoughts | Thoughts?

When:Friday April 24 11:57 A
What:International Pixel-Stained Technopeasant Day
Classified as:Public

The Free Poem

The bard sat beneath
the blue awning of her market stall,
dressed in breeches of blue leather
and a tunic of blue silk.

Beside her sat silver cages
full of brightly colored birds,
singing and reciting poetry.
Now and then, she would put one
into a wicker basket for a shopper,
in exchange for coins or jewels
or, once, a side of venison.

Then the noon bell rang,
and the bard took out a little bird
with golden wings and scarlet face.
She tossed it into the air
and watched it flutter away into the market,
trailing a poem in its wake.

The juggler in the next booth,
who was new,
dropped his balls in surprise.
“What did you do that for?” he said.

The bard laughed.
“Because,” she explained,
“when people see it, they wonder
where they can buy one of their very own!”



When:Thursday April 16 1:21 P
What:Catching up...
Classified as:Public

If you don't follow my Tumblr and/or have me friended on Facebook (I'm listed under my real name) and/or have me as a contact on Flickr (I can't link it 'cause it's blocked at work; I'm talix18 there too), you may have feared I'd fallen off the earth. No such luck! Just a five-night cruise with my girls V and K to the Eastern Carribean (Nassau, Half Moon Cay, Grand Turk). I haven't processed all the pictures yet but feel free to check out what I've posted so far.

This is the picture I think best sums up my experience.

(I'm only 300 posts behind. What'd I miss?)

3 Thoughts | Thoughts?

Time travel
Back at the ranch...